I know what you are going to say to me for putting this out here for everyone to read; "that's so immature of you to put that out there. if you have something to say about me or to me then say it to me!" Well, dear-heart, I've tried to get you to understand the things I've been saying to you and you obviously refuse to listen; yes you hear my words but you oh so clearly do not understand them. There is a difference between HEARING and LISTENING my poor pathetic friend.
I'm tired of trying to tell you that those feelings that I once had for you are NO longer there. I do still care for you to an extent but there is nothing there between us anymore and I don't care anymore. I tried for so long to fix the problems that YOU and YOU ALONE caused us. There is NO reason to blame anyone esle for what happend between us becasue no one forced you to do the things that you did. It, however, is MY fault that things kept going the way that they did because I was always more than willing to try and forgive you. But, no matter how hard I tried I could never and will never forget what you did. You are the ONLY person in my life that has EVER made me go to that place that everyone has in the back of their minds where they are not good people at all. You always have a way of bringing out the worst in me. Our relationship was doomed from the start. I knew the second you said those three small, but very meaningful, words that it was over. I wanted for so long for you to realize what you were losing because I would gain so much more by leaving you. I allowed you to leave me that last time secretly hoping that you would see what I saw and felt. Sadly, you made the mistake of making a threat towards me. That, my dear, is when I let go of you. After everything I did for us, after everytime I had to be strong just to get through the next day with you I had finally hit my breaking point. I was able toget past the cheating and lieing just to show you how much I cared. But, your stupid ass had to take it one step furthere. I will, however, never take away from you the fact that at one point you were everything to me that I had ever wanted and you treated me better than my own family did. You are also the reason I am so strong and determined today. I know things happen for a reason so I do not take back anything with you because I'm a better person for it. I may not always have been a very good person towards you but I tried to never walk away from you like I had done so many people before.
I've told you before that one day I will have something important to say and because you never listen, or are there to listen, you would miss it Sometimes the most important things to people are the little things. The little things that show you still care. It's rather funny how the only time you want me around is when you know someone else is trying to be a part of my life. And when I walk away from said person you act like I don't even matter. I'm tired of your bi-polar mood swings, you inability to be faithful and honest. You say you did what you did because you were tired of being alone, you were tired of always talking to me but never being able to see me. That's a load of shit. Every opportunity you had to see me YOU chose to party with J.R. and all those girls he had around. YOU chose to do other things and put me on the back burner. I took the back seat to your drinking, smoking, and whatever else you chose to do. So, I slowly got back to the person I was when I lived in Texas, jaded and cold-hearted. All the things I gave you, gave up FOR you, all the walls I let down to be with you just got thrown back in my face. Right before the summer you had left me FOR her I told you I had a feeling that something was going to rip us a part and it would be the end for us. You even had the guts to look me in the eyes and tell me that NOTHING was going to come in between us, everything was going to be okay, and that I was worrying for no reason at all because you would always be mine and never leave my side. How right *I* was. All the turst I tried to give back to you was tossed aside yet again like it never mattered. Maybe the fact that I never walked away like I said I would was why you were always pushing me further and further away.
I question myself everyday on why I didn't leave you the first time or even just walk away from you and everything you were doing and had already done to me. I see the mistakes I made and I'm mature enough to admit them. I will take responsiblity for the fact that I constantely allowed you to hurt me. The person you became is the very person I swore I would NEVER end up with. You became the very person my parents promised to protect me from. My mom even called out the fact that were you going to hurt me before she ever met you. She KNEW you would become the type of person that made me so unwilling to trust anyone. EVERYONE saw it coming, and honestly I did too but I was too ingnorant and blinded by one of my fears to admit what I was seeing. You know, they say 'once a cheater always a cheater,' well you take the cake hun. Everything I had ever said to my friends about never trusting another person hold true because of you. Everytime a friend came to me and told me their problems I said to leave the person they were with...YOU and the person you have become is why I'm such a sceptic when it comes to 'matters of the heart'. I put so much faith in you. It's kinda funny looking back how I could be right about so many people before you and I was so dead wrong about you. You always said that you would always be there, that you weren't going anywhere...well, whether you are willing to ever admit it or not you broke every promise you ever made.
No, I'm not completely stuck on what happend, I just won't ever be foolish enough to allow something like this to happen again. I won't let what you did affect me in a negative way like most people think it has or it will. The fact that you told me, and on the night I caught you with Lyndsay and you admited you had wanted to leave me for the last two years of our relationship, that I wasn't strong enough to handle reality and you didn't want to hurt me is the funniest thing I've ever heard, next to you still telling me that you can't live without me and that you love me more than you love your own mother. I think I have proved to you time and time again that I'm okay with out, I'm still okay even after everything that's happend. What went down between you and I is nothing compared to things I went through before you, but it was still bad enough that I can't and don't to ever look at you, hear your voice, or even think about you. I'm pretty sure you know you've lost me and that's why you are claim to being trying so hard to turn your life around and fix what you've done. But, just in case you don't really know...I'M NO LONGER YOURS, NOR WILL I EVER BE YOURS AGAIN!!!
I know J.R. is the one who told you what you had asked me about a coup days ago and he was telling you the truth. It really is none of your business who I'm talking to or if I'm talking to anyone for that matter. But, if you must know, and apparently it's in my best interst to tell you, J.R. was right. I told you that I wasn't talking to anyone because it's none of your business what's going on in my life anymore. There is no more 'US' or 'WE'. You never had the balls to come forward on your own and make it my business to know what you were doing behing my back when in fact it was my business to know. It's kinda funny how a couple weeks back someone who went to high school with us asked me how you and I were doing and when I told him we were no longer together he was shocked to hear that you would actually do what you did to someone like me considering I'm way out of your league and I'm the best thing you could have EVER hoped for. And that's not being cocky because EVERYONE has said that to me. But it's okay because I haven't lost anything considering I never had it to begin with. But, it is safe to say that I have gained so much more out of life since we split and that I will never regret because I find it so much easier to smile and laugh again. So, this will be my last good-bye to you and I hope that you have, for once, LISTEND to these words and you take to heart, if you still have one that is, and mind what I have to say to you. I will not repeat myself and I will not hide what happend anymore. I think I did that long enough and I did it well enough that even my best friend(s) doesn't/don't know how bad things really were. I'm done, Im out of your picture. Me turning my back to you and walking away doesn't mean that you have won, it only means that I have finally admited everything that everyone else has said to me and that you are no longer worth my time and energy. At the end of the day, not only did I win the last battle, I won this whole damn war between the two of us. I'm so much happier now then I was when I was with you. So take this as your chance to do what you have been wanting to do for the past two years and walk away before you look like a bigger idiot than you really are.
--Deuces--
Firefly
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